OUR SHAFT SWORDS WILL BLOT OUT THE SUN!

On Deadliest Warrior, each episode will pit two of the most feared warriors civilization has ever known against each other. For example, Viking vs. Samurai, Green Beret vs. Spetznaz and apparently Dagger Dick vs. his immortal adversary, the Machete Monkey. Not to be confused with the Sabre Schlong, the Love Dart or the Gravy Maker.

Experts analyze every facet of their unique skills of destruction, culminating in a head-to-head final fight between two legends of the battlefield that will produce the deadliest warrior. Ha, head-to-head. Get it?

COCK, PARTY OF FOUR, YOUR BOCCE COURT IS NOW READY

Drinking, an empty notebook and a pen. I have a feeling this bar is going to need a better disclaimer for their Bocce Ball Court sign-up sheet, so I'm here to help:

For access to a bocce ball court, please leave your party name on the sign-up sheet along with any other pertinent contact information you feel is necessary. And by pertinent, we mean that any attempt at phallicism and accompanying captions not only help our bartenders locate you a court faster, but ensure that the tray of unclaimed, tipless, Light, domestic beer gets delivered to the right table of cretins. Because at the end of the night, what's a piece of notebook paper to us when you have to wake up tomorrow morning and answer "yes" when asked, "Did you spend your night thrusting balls at other guys' balls up and down each others' alley?"

Please use your :30 seconds with our sign-up notebook wisely.