FIND ME A REAL WOMAN

A real woman does anal? Um, I politely disagree.

While you, Mr. Masochist, may think that to be a real woman means to acquiesce that a $10 copay is far too much for a contraceptive, you're wrong.

A real woman does dishes. Does laundry. Does groceries. Does windows. Does exactly what you say.

And then does anal.

IT'S FINGER LICKIN' GOOD

I'm sure the Colonel would love to add this meaty cream cannon to his menu. No hormones, raised on an all Jergen's diet and free to range outside of the owners' knickers. Throw in a side of coleslaw, a stale biscuit and it would fit right in with the rest of the items on the menu. And at least that combo platter would have a reason for tasting like dick.

GUEST ARTIST: CAPTAIN OBVIOUS

Hey, you there. The one reading this real estate ad.

Balls in your mouth. Zing!

The creative force behind this chef-d'oeuvre obviously spent days - weeks maybe - in artistic solitude in order to crap out this flaccid attempt at gash mallet graffiti. And maybe they should have stayed there. I've read more clever tidings on Miley Cyrus' Twitter account. Or an IKEA coffee table instruction manual. Or the ingredients list on the back of a shampoo bottle.

PBS WOULDN'T STAND FOR THIS

(Bob Ross voice):

Good afternoon my happy friends, welcome to Dick Drawing with Bob Ross.

We're going to start here with a few clouds, because we all love clouds. Clouds are very, very free.

Now we're going to get right into the balls. We'll drop one right there. And now we gotta give him a friend. Like I always say, 'everyone needs a friend.'

Moving on, we put the shaft right in there like that, yeah, just like that.

And maybe in our little world, this shaft has a happy little head. Happy as we can be.

Now before we add any details, we want to clean our brush on the brush rack. Just beat the devil out of it, right there.

And we finish it off with a few veins and some hair. People will think you spent hours doing this.

There you have it.

From all of us here I’d like to wish you happy dick drawing.

And this will just be our little secret.

SIR, ARE YOU CURRENTLY TAKING ANY MEDICATIONS?

When it comes (Ed's note: Hahaha) to analyzing and breaking down any sort of lascivious penmanship on the walls of the world we live in, it is important to OH MY GOD NICE RACK.

In conclusion, I wish I knew this artist's intentions.

Dick-tation?

Cock-tation?

Penis-tation?

Mastur-tation? (Sorry pal, I tried).

Shaft-tation?

Next time, leave the pretty lady alone.

REMOVES HAIR, INSERTS LOVE MUSCLE

Hey ladies! Tired of your love life being hampered by the knee-high narcissists on J-Date? Sick of lonely walks home with a fistful of ill-fated phone numbers? Or how about being pushed to the bottom of a half-gallon Ben & Jerry's Brownie Batter by the perils of dating?

Well this guy has a solution for you.

Simply polish (read: rip) away unwanted hair with this revolutionary new hair removal pad and watch your love life soar to new heights. Prerequisite: you must be a bronzed, leggy model with strap heels to begin with.

Now all you have to do is ditch those anchor girlfriends you hang out with. Anyone that can be described as, "the one with the laugh," "the one with the cat," or "the one that sort of looks like the lead singer of Rascal Flatts" applies here.

OUR SHAFT SWORDS WILL BLOT OUT THE SUN!

On Deadliest Warrior, each episode will pit two of the most feared warriors civilization has ever known against each other. For example, Viking vs. Samurai, Green Beret vs. Spetznaz and apparently Dagger Dick vs. his immortal adversary, the Machete Monkey. Not to be confused with the Sabre Schlong, the Love Dart or the Gravy Maker.

Experts analyze every facet of their unique skills of destruction, culminating in a head-to-head final fight between two legends of the battlefield that will produce the deadliest warrior. Ha, head-to-head. Get it?